Feelings

 This past month or so I have felt this incredible flow of energy moving through me. It has brought to surface many new emotions, feelings, and desires.   I was at a loss of how to interpret it all.  This morning as I did my yoga and meditated, I felt something new and a little different.  I felt that life was trying to convey something to me and so I picked up my book  (thanks z & v) and sure enough I came across a quote that struck me as un-coincidental. It was fantastic and I felt the need to share. This is not my usual type of post,  but I hope you enjoy it anyways.

I continue to struggle with what people think.  I am affected when someone becomes angry or disappointed with me and it tears me up.  It is something I have struggled with for years.  I was not aware of its influence over my body until I came to Senegal.   For some reason, under these conditions, I have come face-to-face with a choice to either let it destroy me or fight it.   This battle is an emotional one and it can be quite draining at times.  It is easy to get sucked into the game of wanting to please everyone, or feeling the need to do so.      One day it is “Buy me a millet machine” the next it’s “give me medicine”.  It is hard to say no!  It is hard to understand that giving things out for free perpetually hinders their ability to grow and develop.   I tell myself this, but am then filled with guilt and a longing to make a difference, even if it is a short term fix. 

They wonder...   she comes from America (the land of riches) why am I not doing extraordinary things like fixing their roads, bringing electricity and raising the dead from their graves. 

  All she does is hang out with the girls and plan events that try to motivate them to stay in school.  School is great, but I need my daughter to help around the house. Why doesn’t she just fix our well pump that would really help? 

It is hard not to let these ideas bring you down. It is hard to explain why I am in this country. It is hard not to constantly feel guilty for taking a day off.  It’s just HARD and I care way too much. 

“How does one stay open to what others feel, and not to what they think? We cannot live without being affected by others, but we are only real when we let truth and love shape us from within. Our want to be liked, out want to avoid conflict, out want to be understand- all these traits tease us away from taking the voice within seriously.”

How does one recognize this voice and listen to it regularly? I guess the voice itself is a whole other blog discussion, some call it god, others call it a guide, and some call it a neurological response. There is no need to debate what it is.  If we ultimately acknowledge that something in our body directs us in making decisions, or stimulates emotions, then we should go about learning more about it and possibly figuring out how to listen to it.    (going off subject a bit...) 

The need to please others happens everywhere in the world. The pressure of society, friends and family all challenge us to act or behave a certain way.  Many times we loose our voice and compromise.   We do it in relationships, jobs, and even with strangers.  Why do we care so much? How does one not care so much without being empathetic?  Discovering the answer to that question is been my journey these past few weeks.  

and to be honest, I have no answer. The book says listen to the voice within. I say "What do you think?"